I really love these types of essays when you give us a glimpse into your life. I guess I love peeping in on other people's lives in general, but you have such an interesting life. I have several friends in similar shoes asking these same questions, and as a recently remarried woman, it hasn't been that long since I got off the apps.
What I hear in much of this post is fear, and those fears are valid and possible and probable in some cases. But also, many of them are future fears versus now fears, and future fears can rob us of the present. It's statistically likely my love will die before me, and I often wonder how I would or will ever survive that pain (really, I probably think about it way too often). But that's the chance I've chosen to take, and it was deliberate because after a first marriage spent alone, I wanted to find my partner, and I've come to accept I have him as long as I have him. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is forever.
Thank you so much, it's scary to share and satisfying. I am very fearful but luckily way more brave than fearful, so I do aim to just live and let die and as they say. I'm so glad you found your person, and most importantly, yourself (ongoing ;)
What a wonderful and thoughtful piece, Krista, and I'm honored to be quoted. Just to give a little more info on Fenton Johnson's book and how interestingly he works the Whitman/Dickinson pairing, is he compares their perceived sexual lives, seeing Whitman's *getting it on* with basically everyone and everything, and Dickinson's celibate, but passionately connected lifestyle, as two sides of the same coin; both are in relationship with multitudes, as opposed to a single point. Other solitaries in his book include Thoreau, Thomas Merton, Zora Neale Hurston, Cezanne, and Nina Simone.
Glad you're game to me (lazily) just regurgitating the good stuff you shared. I would love to read this book sometime and maybe have another whole thing on just that. Some of these solitaries sound like my favorite people.
This was an extremely well written post. And very honest. Kristi and went for a walk this morning and talked about it for probably 30 minutes.
I had three immediate reactions
1. “ I am so fearful of relationships becoming complacent, going stale, losing their spark in the humdrum details of life, and of cohabiting”. Kristi has/had that fear too. Early in our relationship we did some Gottman exercises which I thought were helpful -- particularly the magic 6 hours and I statements. There have been plenty of bumps along the road but our relationship is stronger than ever now. It is something I think you can never stop working on.
2. Vision board. I have never done one but I did do a “wheel” exercise in the later days of my first marriage where I put my primary life goal in the center hub and connected the hub via six spokes to the wheel. Each spoke represented one major thing that would directly contributed to the core goal. Clarifying my central goal/life purpose and what were the most important factors that would lead me to the goal has been a map for the last 8 years.
3. As I was reading your post, I was thinking about our last exchange and the “circle.
Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life. It is so well written and sincere.
I so appreciate both you and Kristi for your support and deep reading/responding. And I'm delighted that I can help spark conversations at dinner/on walks. I will look into those Gottman exercises you mention! I did similar to the wheel in another article where I talk about concentric rings - https://sleepyhollowink.substack.com/p/lets-tessellate - about how helpful shapes (and shaping a life!) can be. Six spokes seems like a fun approach to this worth a look too (since just circles were a little reductive). The 'circle! THANK YOU!
There is so much here to chew on and regurgitate (I figured you’d appreciate my metaphor), but I just want to reiterate that I love reading your voice here, and I’m so glad we’ve reconnected as friends, divorcees, mothers, and, as I emerge from my own cocoon of chaos (or rather, accept writing from within) word lovers and sentence stringers. xo
I really love these types of essays when you give us a glimpse into your life. I guess I love peeping in on other people's lives in general, but you have such an interesting life. I have several friends in similar shoes asking these same questions, and as a recently remarried woman, it hasn't been that long since I got off the apps.
What I hear in much of this post is fear, and those fears are valid and possible and probable in some cases. But also, many of them are future fears versus now fears, and future fears can rob us of the present. It's statistically likely my love will die before me, and I often wonder how I would or will ever survive that pain (really, I probably think about it way too often). But that's the chance I've chosen to take, and it was deliberate because after a first marriage spent alone, I wanted to find my partner, and I've come to accept I have him as long as I have him. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is forever.
Thank you so much, it's scary to share and satisfying. I am very fearful but luckily way more brave than fearful, so I do aim to just live and let die and as they say. I'm so glad you found your person, and most importantly, yourself (ongoing ;)
What a wonderful and thoughtful piece, Krista, and I'm honored to be quoted. Just to give a little more info on Fenton Johnson's book and how interestingly he works the Whitman/Dickinson pairing, is he compares their perceived sexual lives, seeing Whitman's *getting it on* with basically everyone and everything, and Dickinson's celibate, but passionately connected lifestyle, as two sides of the same coin; both are in relationship with multitudes, as opposed to a single point. Other solitaries in his book include Thoreau, Thomas Merton, Zora Neale Hurston, Cezanne, and Nina Simone.
Glad you're game to me (lazily) just regurgitating the good stuff you shared. I would love to read this book sometime and maybe have another whole thing on just that. Some of these solitaries sound like my favorite people.
This was an extremely well written post. And very honest. Kristi and went for a walk this morning and talked about it for probably 30 minutes.
I had three immediate reactions
1. “ I am so fearful of relationships becoming complacent, going stale, losing their spark in the humdrum details of life, and of cohabiting”. Kristi has/had that fear too. Early in our relationship we did some Gottman exercises which I thought were helpful -- particularly the magic 6 hours and I statements. There have been plenty of bumps along the road but our relationship is stronger than ever now. It is something I think you can never stop working on.
2. Vision board. I have never done one but I did do a “wheel” exercise in the later days of my first marriage where I put my primary life goal in the center hub and connected the hub via six spokes to the wheel. Each spoke represented one major thing that would directly contributed to the core goal. Clarifying my central goal/life purpose and what were the most important factors that would lead me to the goal has been a map for the last 8 years.
3. As I was reading your post, I was thinking about our last exchange and the “circle.
Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life. It is so well written and sincere.
I so appreciate both you and Kristi for your support and deep reading/responding. And I'm delighted that I can help spark conversations at dinner/on walks. I will look into those Gottman exercises you mention! I did similar to the wheel in another article where I talk about concentric rings - https://sleepyhollowink.substack.com/p/lets-tessellate - about how helpful shapes (and shaping a life!) can be. Six spokes seems like a fun approach to this worth a look too (since just circles were a little reductive). The 'circle! THANK YOU!
Solitude is everything! I really like that a discussion we had has helped the creative thinky-juices to flow (for both of us!).
Always! Alone together!
There is so much here to chew on and regurgitate (I figured you’d appreciate my metaphor), but I just want to reiterate that I love reading your voice here, and I’m so glad we’ve reconnected as friends, divorcees, mothers, and, as I emerge from my own cocoon of chaos (or rather, accept writing from within) word lovers and sentence stringers. xo
Love how you put all that, so grateful for us and you!