Undercover

And still sleeping alone

There’s the award-winning female journalist you may have heard about (since her article in Cosmo went viral and now she’s interviewed everywhere) who went undercover as a conservative to date men in their natural element and see their true (red) colors. Right in the supposed liberal bastion of NYC, Vera Papisova joined niche dating apps to tap into MAGA men and those who went further to identify as white nationalists or worse. From her Substack:

I matched with more than 60 men, met 14 of them, and went on a total of 26 dates. I presented myself as a Republican-curious woman who is sick of the Democrats’ hopelessness and victim mindset—all true—and embarked on a deep dive into sampling a particular set of white men who feel that the best way to attract a submissive white dream girl on a dating app is to write things like “January 6th was not near as violent as I am in bed” and to upload profile photos that showed just enough of their swastika tattoos. From far-right conspiracy theorists to the swastika guy, I wanted to see beyond the caricature and try to decipher the human being underneath.

She didn’t embark on this odd journey with her agenda and opinions already set. She found these men to be vulnerable, lonely, angry; influenced by an “echo chamber” of bubbled, biased media; and eager to connect with women they could “train” to be submissive, pliable trad-wives.

I, on the other hand, do my best not to mix journalism with my romantic life and I’ve come to quite the opposite of intellectual curiosity on these matters. I don’t want to “debate” over dinner or hear why a man is justified in judging everything I stand for. I gave up trying to accommodate dating app profiles that were Conservative long ago. More recently I made the move to also swipe left as a rule on those who are moderate, apolitical, or don’t bother answering the question at all. “Other” might leave room for my kind, as I identify as far left of liberal, maybe too far to quantify. Democrats don’t do nearly enough to pull into their tent the democratic socialism that I believe will rock our disturbed worlds for the better (and maybe even win). So maybe “other” could possibly imply this sort of nuance, but it requires a question to find out. The others, forget it.

(Well, you might say, it’s “just politics.” Can’t we come together as individuals? Why not be more open-minded and give people a chance? I don’t think we’re talking about politics, nor individuals, anymore. Gone is the separation between church and state, the personal and political. Trump has changed the game, killed the party, dismantled the system, trampled the Constitution, opiated the masses, demolished the East Wing, gilded the Oval and filled his pockets, etc. Whatever used to be “just politics” in the past is now a matter of ethics, morality, right and wrong, that pervade everything about our daily lives. I truly believe you have to take a stand one way or another and I won’t be there with you if you care for nothing I value. We simply have zero in common. It’s a practical matter. We’re incompatible. Nothing could be more important to be clear on.)

That said, if we’re going to play the numbers game, after divorce and discounting dates that became two actual boyfriends of bigger or less timeframes, I’ve been on a nice round number of 90 dates (50 of them first dates) in the last few years, and depending on the way you want to see it: wasted a ton of time and/or learned a lot, often compromising on my long wishlist for the sake of having a date at all, which nine times out of 10 didn’t pan out. I’ve sometimes made the mistake giving these politically vague or different dudes a chance, which recently went (deep) south one too many times.

While Vera was cosplaying Conservative, I’ve found many of these men on the apps, especially in my NY-metro area of relatively wealthy Westchester County, are feigning moderate when they are actually not at all. (The fact that they often work in finance should be the first clue.) I decided to close the door on any attempt at open-mindedness after a guy named Sal—short for Salvatore, or was he trying to be my salvation?—revealed himself to be a MAGA after some contentious, uncomfortable phone conversations. First, he presented himself as moderate, fair and accepting, a believer in “freedom”—another red flag. Only an hour before our scheduled walk, did he expose himself as a raging redneck in ski gear. I should have known by the way he described his new mega-sized gas-guzzler pickup truck, or the way he wanted to steer our phone calls to either political debate or sexual innuendo, with scant other topical interests. He did seem open-minded, at first, at least enough to hear me out on why my liberalism mattered to me so much—as the mother of daughters and a civil servant and engaged citizen and environmentalist and world traveler and empathetic person and so on. He listened to my impassioned (and fact-based!) speeches and didn’t claim a side, though suspiciously retorting with some familiar talk radio/Fox news talking points about Joe and Kamala and others. I should have given up and moved along—this is not my idea of fun—but he always wanted to keep engaging. Was he playing devil’s advocate? Did he enjoy getting a rise out of me? Was he at all hearing me or just ticking off his bad boxes? Hard to tell.

The morning of our supposed first date, I wanted to go for a run and shower before the 45-minute drive to meet him halfway for a hike, when he called wanting to do the political ping pong some more. I kept trying to get off the phone and he kept going. I believe the final straw must have been him asking me for my stance on Charlie Kirk. How did I feel about his death. What?, I say. Are we meeting or not? I don’t think this is a matter we need to get into right this second when I should be getting ready; we can talk about this all you want in the park when we meet in person, don’t you think? (heart pounding, not in a good way). Now I really did need this run. I believe me not answering the Kirk Question caused him to make his own assumptions and decide it was high time for his big reveal. Well, I’m Republican, he admitted. Not just that, but a full-on flaming MAGA. Wow! Rug pulled. Honestly it was a relief. I shouldn’t be driving nearly an hour for someone I’m not actually excited about and this one takes the cake—and stomps it into crumbs.

After I say something like I don’t want to debate anymore and definitely won’t be dating a manipulative liar and hang up, I get a text too long for texting (displayed here with no edits):

Remember, you’re the hater and the oppressor I am willing to extend a giving and reasoning hand, of friendship and acceptance of your political beliefs, ,, but you oppress my freedom by casting me aside and not wanting to associate and convey informational, facts!!
Trump has corrected your Yale institution that radicalized you. Not one of the major universities are going to court to fight his reform to the contrary, they all rushed to the bargaining table and paid out damages to the government and are mandated to implement changes to refrain this radicalization and brainwashing!!!! CBS just hired its first major Republican editor CNN no longer spews out fake news and the Democratic Party has lost all credibility along with any plausible arguments they may have had.

nobody’s against transgender people they just can’t compete in a woman’s sport. I saw a hard-working woman boxer get beat and pumpled in the first round by a transgender man and it was so extremely sad.

hiding the truth from the American people to Biden‘s cognitive regression and the inability to run the country is the biggest lie and fraud dealt upon American people..
when Biden came into office I actually gave him the benefit of doubt and started to like him and his fake tenacity and rooted for him.!! But his ultimate betrayal to the American people in shipping in their whole voter population and then give them free benefits on taxpayers dime, is criminal and reprehensible,, I rooted for your fake president as much as I possibly could … One thing that Democrats are just not able to do !!! ??
root for your leader ,, root for the president,, root for the leader of the free world.!!!!!!

I am maga and I am proud !!!
“We the people” is tattooed on Pete Hegseth forearm!! And Bernie Sanders stole it from him.

And I know for a fact, you were glad Charlie Kirk got shot. You wouldn’t even admit it to me and didn’t even wanna open that door and that is more reprehensible that I can even imagine,,
I didn’t agree with everything. Charlie Kirk said, but he was a master of debate and he had such a good heart and wanting to help people that did not agree with his opinions. But He still wanted to try to make them better and he did it with so much respect. The Democrats just shun people and call them racist Nazis. It’s pathetic. I would suggest you go to therapy and really look at the credibility of your party. It’s gone.!!!!

Good luck, Krista

Sigh. How in the world does our broken world recover from this level of madness. Why was he here, what was his plan? Why can’t he let this go and find someone else more like-minded to play with? But that’s the problem—he can’t find anyone else. I can’t figure out if he hoped to convert me, if he wasn’t even here to date but to troll, or if he realizes that the only way to talk to women on these apps on any level (let alone date) is to pretend you’re not MAGA…for as long as you’re able. At least until you roll in with the big Tonka truck and then deal’s over. He had to tell me before that.

I’m not alone in calling quits on this wrong-side-of history nonsense. Here’s a whole thing on how MAGA men are becoming the ultimate romantic deal breaker for women.

Many men, in their anger and confusion over getting rejected, are retreating more right; the women are getting lefter. How will we ever find our way to each other to date let alone mate if not through deception or delusion?

I was going to quit the apps after the Sal attack filled me with disgust and despair. Our country was hopeless. Dating was hopeless. My daughters navigating this new broken terrain of manic Incels—hopeless. But then there was a liberal that appeared and immediately matched with me, a scientist, a professor. Knowing we have decency in common and data, we could talk about real things I care about like the logistics of alien travel across the metaverse. Back in the game, which I lost again of course, but again arose the crazy ceaseless hope via another viable (politically appropriate) candidate just before I threw my phone into the river—I’d like to say the best I saved for last.

Sal texted again to factcheck one of my subsequent essays here. The one where I bashed Trump as a big fat Nope. Lies, he text-screamed at me. (I don’t block people; I really should.) He’s not a convicted rapist, he said, he was “found liable in civil court for sexual abuse.” Umm, ok, I’ll edit that. But what’s your point? Does that make the act better? You remain proud of this President? And I’m still the oppressor?

Rather, I kept my big mouth shut and my fingers locked. I didn’t write back.

Vera might have different advice about this. Because she makes the good point: his side won, twice. And maybe they will again in the future, and maybe we’ll never get out of this if we don’t do something different. She writes:

The truth is it’s easier to keep rejecting people who don’t fit our moral ideals and to label them monsters. As a journalist, I recognize that if we keep pushing them out of our echo chambers, we’ll keep giving them reasons to create their own. And I recognize something else, too.

This is the part where I’m supposed to offer you an informed call to action based on all my intel. We are in Trump’s America now, and I hate to say I told you so, but everything I identified over the summer was correct. These guys were really excited to vote and restore his power. And our current reality is that they won. I’m supposed to say we white women have to do XYZ and save these guys so we can save America and then the world. But I can’t do that. People have to save themselves. Their choices are their own, and their harm is real. The answer isn’t telling the women of the world that we need to go on fake dates with these men to get them out of their echo chambers, even if it’s true that there is a rich history of women being deployed as spies to defeat Nazis and other bad guys.

The point is not that we need to save these men or even that they deserve saving. It’s that understanding their loneliness, loss of identity, and fear of irrelevance offers us a way to understand the larger picture of how hate and extremism thrive. Their ideologies are built on rejection—of themselves, the unknown, and the inevitability of change. We breed the isolation that breeds hatred when we reject them without understanding their roots, which are shaped by culture, economy, and society that make them feel entitled to power and terrified of losing it. Too many of us are too comfortable ignoring the systems they cling to because we fail to address the conditions that create them. And we’re clinging to them too. Every time we exile what we fear without trying to understand it. That’s how they’ll win. Again.

The point is: this isn’t about heroes or villains. It’s about humans. And as much as I’d love to inspire you with a big call to action, the truth is action is only as effective as the introspection that precedes it. What part of ourselves is feeding the systems we claim to oppose? What echo chambers are we building that let hate fester elsewhere? What systems thrive on our fear and rejection? It’s about you and me and the stories we need to tell ourselves to find the courage we need to break the cycle. It’s not the tidy resolution anyone wants. It’s the uncomfortable truth we need.

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