Ugly Pageant: Myth
Who's the foulest of them all? Part 3
Lest it seem from the Ugly Pageant’s parade of Toys (winner: Boglins) and Film Villains (winner: The Fly) that most rotten eggs come from the 1980s and/or the bottom of some twisted kid’s closet in the USA, it’s time to go way back to our ugliest forefathers (and mother!) of the deepest, darkest mythology. Today, in the bitter aftermath of the ugliest pageant writ large in our Presidential battle, we tour the world to round out this godawful contest.
XIPE TOTEC
Mr. Totec sports our least favorite fashion trademark of…flayed skin. Says Britannica:
Xipe Totec, Mesoamerican god of spring and new vegetation and patron of goldsmiths. Xipe Totec was venerated by the Toltecs and Aztecs. As a symbol of the new vegetation, Xipe Totec wore the skin of a human victim—the “new skin” that covered the Earth in the spring. His statues and stone masks always show him wearing a freshly flayed skin… The Aztecs adopted his cult during the reign of Axayacatl (1469–81). During Tlacaxipehualiztli (“Flaying of Men”), the second ritual month of the Aztec year, the priests killed human victims by removing their hearts. They flayed the bodies and put on the skins, which were dyed yellow and called teocuitlaquemitl (“golden clothes”). Other victims were fastened to a frame and put to death with arrows; their blood dripping down was believed to symbolize the fertile spring rains.
All that said, somehow when a new dwarf planet was discovered in 2021, it was given the provisional name of Xipe Totec for this vegetative, vicious fellow.
FUDŌ MYŌ-Ō
Contrary to the assumption that Buddhists are soft and friendly as a rule, my favorite traits of freaky, furious Fudō are the wonky teeth and eyes that go in different directions. From Onmark Productions:
Fudō is a personification of Dainichi Nyorai, and the best known of the Myō-ō, who are venerated especially by the Shingon sect of Japanese Esoteric Buddhism (Mikkyō 密教). Fudō converts anger into salvation; has furious, glaring face, as Fudō seeks to frighten people into accepting the teachings of Dainichi Buddha; carries “kurikara” or devil-subduing sword in right hand (representing wisdom cutting through ignorance); holds rope in left hand (to catch and bind up demons); often has third eye in forehead (all-seeing); often seated or standing on rock (because Fudō is “immovable” in his faith). Fudō is also worshipped as a deity who can bring monetary fortune. Also, Fudō’s left eye is often closed, and the teeth bite the upper lip; alternatively, Fudō is shown with two fangs, one pointing upward and other pointing downward. Fudō’s aureole is typically the flames of fire, which according to Buddhist lore, represent the purification of the mind by the burning away of all material desires.
MEDUSA
Once a beautiful maiden, poor Medusa (or at least her head) gets turned into swarming snakeball, an enduring Halloween favorite if you dare look. From Wikipedia:
In Greek mythology, Medusa…also called Gorgo or the Gorgon, was one of the three Gorgons. Medusa is generally described as a woman with living snakes in place of hair; her appearance was so hideous that anyone who looked upon her was turned to stone. Medusa and her Gorgon sisters Euryale and Stheno were usually described as daughters of Phorcys and Ceto; of the three, only Medusa was mortal.
Medusa was beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus, who then used her head, which retained its ability to turn onlookers to stone, as a weapon until he gave it to the goddess Athena to place on her shield. In classical antiquity, the image of the head of Medusa appeared in the evil-averting device known as the Gorgoneion.
THE SQUONK
Let’s bring it back home with the Squonk, hideous forest animal that haunted folklore from northern Pennsylvania in the late 19th century. From Fandom:
The legend holds that the creature’s skin is ill-fitting, covered with warts and that, because it is ashamed of its appearance, it hides from plain sight, and spends most of its time weeping. Hunters who have tried catching squonks have found out that the creature is capable of dissolving completely into a pool of tears and bubbles when cornered. A man named J. P. Wentling is supposed to have coaxed the creature into a bag, which when he carried it home suddenly lightened. Upon further inspection, he found that all that remained was the liquid remains of the sad animal.
THE YARA-MA-YHA-WHO
Say that ten times fast. From Atlas Obscura:
A cross between a vampire and the bogeyman in Australian Aboriginal folklore, the Yara-ma-yha-who is a strange, red-skinned humanoid that dwells in the branches of fig trees, waiting to drop on unsuspecting victims. The creature was said to have suckers attached to its hands and feet that it would use to drain its prey of blood, much like a giant leech. Once its victim was sufficiently weak, the Yara-ma-yha-who would ingest them whole, resting for awhile before regurgitating the person (still alive) and beginning the whole process again. With each regurgitation, the victim would return slightly shorter and a little bit redder in tone, finally becoming another Yara-ma-yha-who.
This one even gets a video:
All of this blood-leeching insanity, by the way, is meant to scare children into staying home.
Always happy to stay home, my work here is done, along with this whack journey into the darkest imaginative corners of humanity. Now it’s up to you, the fearless audience, to declare, in this final round of the three-part Pageant:
Surely I’ve missed innumerable freaks, but had to narrow it down to five for the sake of the poll technology. Have someone else from fiction that taunts you in your nightmares?
The Terror comes to mind, although the creature was one of the least interesting things about that show. Season 1 was very good.
I chose the Yara-Ma-Yha-Who for ugliest, but damn those Aztecs were hard core.