I've noticed the awkward silences that everyone wants to fill in quickly, and I've learned to let the other person fill the void nearly all the time. I kind of like a little awkward silence now. It feels... real?
I'm assuming those of us who've gone through therapy have experienced this, when the therapist just sits there calmly and watches you stew in your own chatter until a shift happens, or else you sit silent until the stress makes you blurt something out, which often is something meaningful.
I use the technique in writing coaching, sometimes not saying anything until at last my client speaks. Or I'll start up an almost stream of consciousness ramble about creative process or writing theory to try and get some flow going. It always surprises me a little I can do this, like turning on a tap. Where did all these words/ideas come from? But I always try and let the clients lead, and some are surprised by that, thinking instead I'd be whipping them through something (which I can, but it's not as natural or as fun). But really, they're the ones who know the direction they should be heading so I don't want to get in their way. Which makes me think maybe what I do as much as anything is active listening, then reporting back and framing. I think I learned this technique from therapy. I'm sure I'm not as successful in my social life. I know sometimes I realize I've been talking nonstop for minutes at a time.
I hope so! I mean, they keep coming back. Still, I often feel like I'm totally winging it. Beginner's mind, I guess. But yeah, people need someone to throw the ball back to them too. Especially when it comes to writing and writing process.
I used to (and still do to a large degree!), but understanding what they really are helps so much. It's almost like a game once I realize that moment is happening.
This is a really wonderful--and I think important--post. Thank you for writing it.
Also, I, too, attended a Harris concert on her recent tour! (Boston area) The guy on the far left in your video is my uncle. I really liked the way you described her voice here. I noticed that it was much harder to understand her lyrics at this particular show, so I do think age is in play, but she's still so great to...well, listen to.
Thank you for a lovely read, this stood out to me: "I imagine instead a true leader as one who does not need so much to use their own voice to fill every space. The most important part of any campaign should be the listening tour." This will stay with me for a long time. I also added The Lost Art of Listening, Writing Down the Bones, and You're not listening to my to-read list. I'll share when I pick one up. This piece was so fruitful, thank you for your generosity in resources and thought. Listening is a skill I truly want to get better in. Be well.
Wow. What a beautiful piece. I do think we are all struggling to know how to have conversations these days and part of that struggle is because folks don’t know how to really listen. I find that I often become a silent listener. Sometimes really listening but sometimes just appearing as though I’m listening until I can gracefully bow out. I am looking forward to reading the concise digest of the lost art of listening that you shared. As a therapist, I’m sure I’ll learn how to be even better for my clients and in turn teach them the power of listening as well.
One of my most important works right now is that I am trying to become a better listener. I think I have a tendency to talk too much. I feel at times bursting with ideas, with excitement about possibility, but I know that, plus being a "bit" of an extrovert, can sometimes not leave space for others. I want to do better at being quiet and present for those I speak with, and listen to, most importantly, carefully and presently.
I do often catch myself especially doing "Responding with a story that your story reminds me of." Ouch. I have, thank Dog, lost the need to give advice, fixes, solutions, unless actually asked to do so.
With the people I'm closest to, I know there's a conversational rhythm that's long-standing, so there tends to be more intuitive responding, but I want that to grow into every conversation I have.
Thanks for this. Just lovely and thought-provoking.
I'm so glad this furthers your cause. It's the biggest part of the battle to know where we need to work on ourselves most, and then to be brave enough to try to do it. If only everyone could! Can you even imagine how much better the world might be?!
It just hit me John Cage's very theoretical 4′33″ kind of connects to this discussion. The one where in a formal concert the pianist sits at the piano and covers the keys for each of the individual three movements (38 secs, 1.36 mins, 4.26 mins). I've heard a critique of it that the first time you hear it it's really eye-opening (or ear-opening, as you're so aware of the sounds around you), but much less interesting on successive listenings. It'd be a whole other discussion about the "music" of it, and also the validity around who's playing it. I mean, if I can "not-sing" the same as Emmy Lou, does that make me as good of a non-singer as she is? Should I feel pride in this (I don't think so). Why is it more interesting to hear her not-sing as me not-sing? At a certain point it starts getting silly. I frankly wouldn't pay to hear her not-sing. Here's a link to a performance of 4'33". https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=4%E2%80%B233%E2%80%B2%E2%80%B2+by+john+cage&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:cee8ef8b,vid:JTEFKFiXSx4,st:0
Cool connection. I was thinking of even Einstein on the Beach opera with its quieter moments - maybe something to play with another time - but not doing anything at all is next level. Only Cage I guess can pull that off, or not!
I loved everything about this - active listening is an art and I love the way you illustrate it's importance and impact. The first grade teacher at my school is trying to get her students to partake in "full body listening." It's just so important - I read your piece earlier this morning and it's been with me all day. So grateful for your work!
I've noticed the awkward silences that everyone wants to fill in quickly, and I've learned to let the other person fill the void nearly all the time. I kind of like a little awkward silence now. It feels... real?
That's very brave and advanced of you to sit that out. I think most people-including me-find those gaps terrifying!
I'm assuming those of us who've gone through therapy have experienced this, when the therapist just sits there calmly and watches you stew in your own chatter until a shift happens, or else you sit silent until the stress makes you blurt something out, which often is something meaningful.
I use the technique in writing coaching, sometimes not saying anything until at last my client speaks. Or I'll start up an almost stream of consciousness ramble about creative process or writing theory to try and get some flow going. It always surprises me a little I can do this, like turning on a tap. Where did all these words/ideas come from? But I always try and let the clients lead, and some are surprised by that, thinking instead I'd be whipping them through something (which I can, but it's not as natural or as fun). But really, they're the ones who know the direction they should be heading so I don't want to get in their way. Which makes me think maybe what I do as much as anything is active listening, then reporting back and framing. I think I learned this technique from therapy. I'm sure I'm not as successful in my social life. I know sometimes I realize I've been talking nonstop for minutes at a time.
I like therapy/coaching that does advise and direct and doesn’t just let me drown on my own words. Your balance of this sounds good!
I hope so! I mean, they keep coming back. Still, I often feel like I'm totally winging it. Beginner's mind, I guess. But yeah, people need someone to throw the ball back to them too. Especially when it comes to writing and writing process.
I used to (and still do to a large degree!), but understanding what they really are helps so much. It's almost like a game once I realize that moment is happening.
Love this and I never knew either that Silent and Listen are anagrams! How perfect. Someone should tell that to our teenagers 😂
Love me a good anagram! I'm definitely going to tell the kids this. (Will they hear me?). Enjoy your trip!
Yeah, great anagram. I am so totally stupid at seeing anagrams. I also suck at Scrabble.
This is a really wonderful--and I think important--post. Thank you for writing it.
Also, I, too, attended a Harris concert on her recent tour! (Boston area) The guy on the far left in your video is my uncle. I really liked the way you described her voice here. I noticed that it was much harder to understand her lyrics at this particular show, so I do think age is in play, but she's still so great to...well, listen to.
Thank you! And how cool that your uncle is there with her!
Very cool! 😎
Thank you for a lovely read, this stood out to me: "I imagine instead a true leader as one who does not need so much to use their own voice to fill every space. The most important part of any campaign should be the listening tour." This will stay with me for a long time. I also added The Lost Art of Listening, Writing Down the Bones, and You're not listening to my to-read list. I'll share when I pick one up. This piece was so fruitful, thank you for your generosity in resources and thought. Listening is a skill I truly want to get better in. Be well.
I'm so glad this resonates and you want to read further into these resources. Reading is the best kind of listening too!
Imagine a world with this kind of leader!
Wow. What a beautiful piece. I do think we are all struggling to know how to have conversations these days and part of that struggle is because folks don’t know how to really listen. I find that I often become a silent listener. Sometimes really listening but sometimes just appearing as though I’m listening until I can gracefully bow out. I am looking forward to reading the concise digest of the lost art of listening that you shared. As a therapist, I’m sure I’ll learn how to be even better for my clients and in turn teach them the power of listening as well.
I’m glad to be reaching a therapist here since the listening can amplify that much further!
One of my most important works right now is that I am trying to become a better listener. I think I have a tendency to talk too much. I feel at times bursting with ideas, with excitement about possibility, but I know that, plus being a "bit" of an extrovert, can sometimes not leave space for others. I want to do better at being quiet and present for those I speak with, and listen to, most importantly, carefully and presently.
I do often catch myself especially doing "Responding with a story that your story reminds me of." Ouch. I have, thank Dog, lost the need to give advice, fixes, solutions, unless actually asked to do so.
With the people I'm closest to, I know there's a conversational rhythm that's long-standing, so there tends to be more intuitive responding, but I want that to grow into every conversation I have.
Thanks for this. Just lovely and thought-provoking.
I'm so glad this furthers your cause. It's the biggest part of the battle to know where we need to work on ourselves most, and then to be brave enough to try to do it. If only everyone could! Can you even imagine how much better the world might be?!
It just hit me John Cage's very theoretical 4′33″ kind of connects to this discussion. The one where in a formal concert the pianist sits at the piano and covers the keys for each of the individual three movements (38 secs, 1.36 mins, 4.26 mins). I've heard a critique of it that the first time you hear it it's really eye-opening (or ear-opening, as you're so aware of the sounds around you), but much less interesting on successive listenings. It'd be a whole other discussion about the "music" of it, and also the validity around who's playing it. I mean, if I can "not-sing" the same as Emmy Lou, does that make me as good of a non-singer as she is? Should I feel pride in this (I don't think so). Why is it more interesting to hear her not-sing as me not-sing? At a certain point it starts getting silly. I frankly wouldn't pay to hear her not-sing. Here's a link to a performance of 4'33". https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=4%E2%80%B233%E2%80%B2%E2%80%B2+by+john+cage&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:cee8ef8b,vid:JTEFKFiXSx4,st:0
P.S. Love me some Emmy Lou.
Cool connection. I was thinking of even Einstein on the Beach opera with its quieter moments - maybe something to play with another time - but not doing anything at all is next level. Only Cage I guess can pull that off, or not!
I loved everything about this - active listening is an art and I love the way you illustrate it's importance and impact. The first grade teacher at my school is trying to get her students to partake in "full body listening." It's just so important - I read your piece earlier this morning and it's been with me all day. So grateful for your work!
I’m so glad this resonates and to hear that the teacher is doing this, so needed! Thank you Natasha