A Little Pizzle of a Post
With big love from the isle of Iceland
I regret to inform you on this Valentine’s Day I will not be reporting to you from Reykjavik’s famed penis museum but rather while floating at world’s end: the steaming infinity pool of the Sky Lagoon.
My girls and I are only here on this little island for a mere two days, packed with a circle-loop tour, late night Aurora viewing (fingers crossed), a Viking Hotel and its stuffed animal head decor, and this romantic post-flight detour to luxuriate until we prune in our extravagantly priced geothermal spring access. Sorry kids and curious readers, we can’t make it to the Phallological Museum this time.
Remember when I planned a cross country road trip with a detour to the penis bone collection hanging over the pool table of a dive bar in Pennsylvania (sadly no more)? Well this museum, from what I learn online, takes that to the next level. The world’s only “genuine” penis museum, thirst-traps with this splash landing page full of giddy video clips of two ladies giggling over bones in jars, gift shop silicone, drinks in phallic flasks, and Belgium waffles dubiously shaped in a special iron. I guess for the same reason I avoid the bizarre penis-trappings of a bachelorette party I can easily skip this, but I do remain intrigued.
The history—but pro tip: maybe don’t call a man’s penis collection “meager”?
In 1974, when I was but a wee one-year-old, Sigurður Hjartarson, was gifted a “bull penis pizzle” as a joke from his teaching staff when he served as school headmaster. The theme continued and accrued specimens—as some of his employees had summer jobs at a whaling station—of various sizes and species. By 1980, Hjartarson had amassed 13 penises from half of Iceland’s land mammals, which obviously meant he needed to keep collecting. In 1997, said “meager” museum, of 62 specimens and counting, opened in Reykjavik. By 2004, the museum required more space and moved to whale-watching town Húsavík, taking on some foreign mammals and more tourists. Weirdly, an item unrequited in his collection until 2011 was a human specimen. With this, Sigurður’s quest seemed fulfilled and he retired, putting his odd empire in the hands of his son who moved the museum to the capital and doubled its size. By 2020, time to triple the size with room for a phallic-themed bistro of course which brings us to its current location.
While adult tickets are pricey (about $25), children under 14 are allowed free entry, which seems odd that they would even care to be there at all. In reality, even if we had the time, I don’t know if I could get my older (and highly embarrassed) teens onboard with this icky activity.
More importantly, “pizzle”? From Wikipedia:
Pizzle is a Middle English word for penis, derived from Low German pesel or Flemish Dutch pezel, diminutive of the Dutch language pees, meaning ‘sinew’. The word is used today to signify the penis of an animal, chiefly in Australia and New Zealand.
The word pizzle is also known, at least since 1523, especially in the combination “bull pizzle”, to denote a flogging instrument made from a bull’s penis.
In William Shakespeare’s play Henry IV, Part 1, the character Falstaff uses the term as an insult (Act 2, Scene IV):
‘Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish!
If you wanted to combine your pizzle with a flogging, here’s this handy bullwhip fashioned from bull penis skin. How meta is that?
And oh, Guð minn góður (my god), who knew that coats of arms often have private parts poking out…now that I see this, I will never not see it. A further piece to add to the pizzle puzzle:
In heraldry, the term pizzled (or vilené in French blazon) indicates the depiction or inclusion of an animate charge’s genitalia, especially if colored (or “tinctured”) differently.
Sneaking a little penis into your special insignia I guess is common practice until as recently as 2007, when a Swedish commander objected, finding the depiction inappropriate for a uniform worn in a battle.
Nowadays, a pizzle (dried bull penises or bull sticks) are demoted to just a dog treat, occasionally enjoyed by humans for their supposed health benefits and stamina, and sometimes reinforced by a metal rod down the center, a version “cured by a taxidermist” that can become a cane, say for that certain weirdo you might want to begift with something unique this Hallmark holiday.
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